One of the biggest things I struggle with is kindness.
I’m mean, I’m rude, I’m degrading, I’m negative. I’m ugly. I’m rotten. I point out flaws. I’m just mean.
But many of you who know me, may not agree with that. I pride myself on being a kind person to everyone I meet - and if I haven’t been to you, please reach out to me and we can chat. I shower my friends with compliments, I let them know I appreciate them, I build them up when I think they’ve done a great job. Not to make myself feel better, but because I genuinely and truly want them to feel the best they can and feel loved and valued.
I’m kind to everyone...except myself. Especially when it comes to how I look and how I see myself.
I don’t think there has ever been a day where I’ve said “wow, you’re really pretty!” or “wow, you are smart!” to myself. I can count on two hands the number of times in my whole life that I’ve looked in the mirror and have been happy with what I see. I think my face is too round, I think my one eye is wonky, I think my stomach is too chubby, I think my arms are too fat. I pinch and pull and poke at all the problem areas I see on myself until I literally bruise. I don’t like myself...I may be more honest in saying I hate myself. I don’t look at the accomplishments I’ve made or have shared before, like healing from an eating disorder and gaining a healthy grasp on eating and working out, and feel proud...I only see what I could be doing better. I could have lost 60 pounds if I just didn’t eat this or that...
Please tell me you're having a girl, same moment.
Realizing how negative I am towards myself makes me feel like a fraud to those I care about and work so hard to build up. How can I have them believe what I’m saying is honesty and truth, when I don’t even talk to myself that way? How can I come across as genuine when I talk to you about yourself when I don’t even like myself?
If you meet another girl (most likely in the bathroom on the weekend after 2 vodka sodas) and think (most likely say, because again, vodka) “omg you’re so pretty I wish I looked like you!”, why don’t you think she’s thinking the same about YOU? Why do we automatically tear ourselves down?
If we want other girls to believe they’re pretty and be kind and be empowering, we have to start with ourselves. We have to believe that we are pretty and kind and empowering. We have to loosen up when we look in the mirror or photos we’re tagged in. We have to embrace all the things we hate about ourselves and accept that THIS IS WHO I AM!!!! so that we can continue to build each other up and make each other feel beautiful. (Side note, nothing wrong with making changes to be healthier or feel better about yourself so keep dieting and working out all you want!)
If we want others to be kind, we need to be kind to ourselves first. So, let’s try liking ourselves and creating a kinder world one girl at a time...but remember that I’ll always think you’re the pretty girl in the bathroom.
Love you most,
Hope