That Work-Life Struggle, though

First up in our Hell Yes, Women’s History Month guest series is Alyssa Kurtz, a jackie-of-all-trades who can plan the heck out of any event! Fun fact: Alyssa is Hope’s wedding planner and semi-colleague!

I’ve always had multiple jobs. Of course, my first and foremost job was considered school and the second were the extracurricular activities that went with school (sports, band, private music lessons, Pep Club, Student Council, etc.). In that sense, my first actual paying job was more like a third gig.

I remember being driven home from school or activities one day and saying to my mom, “Wow, I feel like I’m flame-juggling, spinning plates and standing on a ball all at once. This is all a balancing act,” which was responded with a, “Welcome to the Real World, kid.”

College quickly exacerbated my circus routine and I was often overly stressed and vulnerable to anxiety attacks. It took me some time, but I developed healthy routines to deal with it- regularly cleaning my apartment, sitting down to paint my nails weekly, and getting enough sleep. These three simple things were items that I had control over, despite the deadlines, expectations, and frustrating group projects that I couldn’t control.

Fast forward four years later. I still hadn’t kicked my high-functioning, hyper-busy lifestyle; I have a full-time job, active volunteer commitments, played in recreational sport leagues, had a committed and regular workout regime AND started a wedding planning side hustle. 

The wedding planning had always been a passion of mine and I love helping to make someone’s special day so memorable and easy. However, I had begun to over exert myself. I said yes to too many things, eventually becoming super sick with prescribed exhaustion which took me out of commission for a bit. One particular event (not a wedding, thankfully) kept falling apart that was outside of my control and was especially difficult on me.

The weekend before this event, I planned a fun trip away in Philadelphia with my boyfriend to see a concert. However, the anxiety started to creep up of the things I could not control. Vendors kept backing out, the weather was not cooperating, decisions couldn’t be made, anything and everything was just not working out. There were so many times I just wanted to call it quits and hit the ‘Cancel’ button. I felt like I failed even before I actually could.

I cut our weekend short not being able to focus on enjoying our time in Philly. We returned home and I soon found myself lying naked on the floor, unable to move, cry, speak, or even think clearly. This was my breaking point and the most real and dark attack I’d ever experienced.

Eventually, I got up, made shit happen, and all worked out. It took a solid week to get out of that funk, but I had the support of my family, friends and boyfriend. I understand that not everyone has those resources or as quick of a bounce back. 

Through my stresses from school, work, and side hustle, it’s an ongoing lesson in how to keep that balancing act up. I’m still not perfect and to this day, I still say “yes” to too many things. However, I’m returning back to my lessons learned and my own routines to keep myself steady and sane. 

Here’s to you hoping you all find your own balance and know that it’s okay to fall off the balancing ball sometimes.

As Hope’s wedding planner, Alyssa helped her (literally zipped her into it) find THE dress. And talked her through many body image meltdowns.

And when you do, know you have a community of beautiful, strong, independent women to say, “girl, same.”

Alyssa works full time in Development for Benchmark Construction and started her own wedding planning business, Miss Lyss Planning in February 2019. When she’s not working, she can be found in the essie section of Target, on an adventurous vacation, or exploring the downtowns of Lancaster and York. Or making Hope run at full speed in 109 degrees to Wegmans to get more wine because Fete, Betch!

Hoops With Hope

I shared this post on my social media earlier this year but it’s something - the feelings, the expression, the emotion, the accomplishment, the strength - that I’m still really proud of and it’s a good reminder I like to check-in with when I need to feel grounded or reaffirm my confidence.

Earlier this year, I finally, finally, finally let go of a search for closure and redemption and forgiveness by finally realizing a certain person’s (who REALLY REALLY REALLY hurt me, like majorly messed me up!!!!) view on me does not determine or dictate who I am. That the hurt they caused me will yes, always be there, but there are so many things about myself that scream so loudly, the hurt will be silenced because They. Don’t. Matter. 

When I realized I would have to see this person for this first time since they hurt me, I panicked. But one of my coworkers said to me “you’re doing so well, you are nothing that that person said you were, you are more. You’re awesome, you wear hoop earrings now.” And I didn’t realize how loaded that statement was. 

I wear hoop earrings now because I don’t care that someone thought they were trashy and asked me not to wear them. I wear hoop earrings now because I no longer care what someone 2 years ago thought about me. I wear hoop earrings because that was a small part of my life and that someone’s darkness and brokenness and drive to bring me down is gone with him and will not be carried around with me anymore. I wear hoop earrings now and I eat cheeseburgers and drink beer even if I didn’t spend the morning in the gym because food is meant to warm your soul and your belly and a good beer tastes better than any I restriction I put on myself so I could buy a size 0 in jeans and finally feel like I’m beautiful.

I wear hoop earrings now and have stopped restricting myself to taking up such little space because my soul and heart and the things that make me beautiful are big and bold and can’t be contained in one little quiet box in the corner.

I wear hoop earrings now and know that I’m allowed to be here, I’m allowed to be loud, and my body is allowed to take up space - no matter the size because that is who I am. I wear hoop earrings because I am beautiful and smart and a hard worker and determined and genuine even if a certain person doesn’t think I am. I wear hoop earrings now and I don’t spend hours crying on the couch because I wouldn’t dim my light and I let myself shine when I was proud of myself. I wear hoop earrings now and I’ve let go of that search for validation or an ounce apology from someone who felt no remorse from hurting me. I wear hoop earrings now and I’ve realized that not everyone has to like me, but I need to like myself - and when I let myself love and laugh and give selflessly and smile and be listened to and be confident, that is where I shine. I wear hoop earrings now and I know love is respect in all forms and on both sides and that truly good, pure hearts (Jonny) exist and I am capable of being loved by them and I deserve it, too. I wear hoop earrings now because I can and I will and I want to. 

So, go throw on your hoops and take up space and be loud (or quiet if that’s your thing) and do whatever you want to because you deserve to.

Love you most,

Hope

Life: Why ya gotta be so mean?

One of the biggest things I struggle with is kindness.

I’m mean, I’m rude, I’m degrading, I’m negative. I’m ugly. I’m rotten. I point out flaws. I’m just mean.

But many of you who know me, may not agree with that. I pride myself on being a kind person to everyone I meet - and if I haven’t been to you, please reach out to me and we can chat. I shower my friends with compliments, I let them know I appreciate them, I build them up when I think they’ve done a great job. Not to make myself feel better, but because I genuinely and truly want them to feel the best they can and feel loved and valued.

I’m kind to everyone...except myself. Especially when it comes to how I look and how I see myself.

I don’t think there has ever been a day where I’ve said “wow, you’re really pretty!” or “wow, you are smart!” to myself. I can count on two hands the number of times in my whole life that I’ve looked in the mirror and have been happy with what I see. I think my face is too round, I think my one eye is wonky, I think my stomach is too chubby, I think my arms are too fat. I pinch and pull and poke at all the problem areas I see on myself until I literally bruise. I don’t like myself...I may be more honest in saying I hate myself. I don’t look at the accomplishments I’ve made or have shared before, like healing from an eating disorder and gaining a healthy grasp on eating and working out, and feel proud...I only see what I could be doing better. I could have lost 60 pounds if I just didn’t eat this or that...

Please tell me you're having a girl, same moment.

Realizing how negative I am towards myself makes me feel like a fraud to those I care about and work so hard to build up. How can I have them believe what I’m saying is honesty and truth, when I don’t even talk to myself that way? How can I come across as genuine when I talk to you about yourself when I don’t even like myself?

If you meet another girl (most likely in the bathroom on the weekend after 2 vodka sodas) and think (most likely say, because again, vodka) “omg you’re so pretty I wish I looked like you!”, why don’t you think she’s thinking the same about YOU? Why do we automatically tear ourselves down?

If we want other girls to believe they’re pretty and be kind and be empowering, we have to start with ourselves. We have to believe that we are pretty and kind and empowering. We have to loosen up when we look in the mirror or photos we’re tagged in. We have to embrace all the things we hate about ourselves and accept that THIS IS WHO I AM!!!! so that we can continue to build each other up and make each other feel beautiful. (Side note, nothing wrong with making changes to be healthier or feel better about yourself so keep dieting and working out all you want!)

If we want others to be kind, we need to be kind to ourselves first. So, let’s try liking ourselves and creating a kinder world one girl at a time...but remember that I’ll always think you’re the pretty girl in the bathroom.

Love you most,

Hope