DISCLAIMER: Another oldie but goodie because November has and always will hold a special place in my heart. i shared this a year ago but it still rings so, so true today.
it’s finally november. so many people are looking forward to the beginning of the holidays, of time with their families and friends, of time off to relax and rest. it’s a season of thanks and a chance to reflect on the things we have, what we’ve done, what we want to do. it’s a little reminder that there is just a little bit of the year left, and a new one will be here soon.
for me, november is all those things but also kind of the start of a new year for my life. it’s the signal of a new season, a season of change. within the past 10 years of my life, several life changing events have fallen in november.
ten years ago, a man my family was very close with, a man i saw as a second father was sentenced to 12 years in prison for terrible, awful, disgusting crimes against my family and my friends. he had stolen so much innocence, faith and light from so many people but was finally going to be stopped from hurting any other girls. my family and my friends were devastated. we were broken and lost and shattered...but we rebuilt. we moved on. we changed. we found a new strength inside of us, a fire that has motivated us to live beautifully and fearlessly, to help and encourage others and to champion for those who cannot, or are too scared to do that for themselves. november 2008 changed my life.
november 2011 found me as a sophomore in college. i was doing just fine, happy and growing and moving forward. i kept the events that had happened at home to myself, not out of shame, but as a chance to have a new start and identity where i wasn’t associated with such darkness and pain. i had rebuilt, i had moved on. i was fine. then another man came and set fire to all my progress. the news of sandusky’s abuse broke and my world shattered again. i had set my pain in the back of the closet, tied up with a pretty bow to never see again. but the box was thrown at me and all that pain seeped out again. everyone knew who i was. i was surrounded again by such ugliness and darkness, all because of someone’s actions (and the following ripples he had made.) my heart broke again and again for other victims. for the pain they went through, for the shame they carried, for the enemies they were now facing. but, they rebuilt. they moved on. they changed. and i would do the same.
november 2015 found me older, but not necessarily wiser or stronger. i was in a similar place of darkness and pain, only this time, the enemy was myself. my mind was sick, it needed help. it turned me against myself and the only tools i had we’re controlling what i ate or how many hours I exhausted myself with exercise. it was a constant evil cheerleader, chanting “YOU ARE FAT!”, “YOU ARE UGLY”, “YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL”. i gave into my own darkness and was beginning to self-destruct, but i rebuilt. i moved on. i changed.
those three novembers have made me who i am today and for that, i am thankful. darkness has a way of making you appreciate the light in your life, because the light seems to shine so much brighter.
i’m not sure where exactly this november finds me, or where it will lead me. but what i do know is that i am happy, i am loved, i am supported, i am healthy (though i struggle), i am resilient, i am a champion, i am a friend, i am forgiven and no matter what happens, i am rebuilding, i am moving on, i am changing.
thank you to everyone who has helped me rebuild and move on and change. you are my novembers and i am thankful for you.